December 22nd, 2002


Agonizing is fun!

I'm supposed to take the train this morning (which isn't far off, as you can see from the time stamp) to visit my best friend and her family for a week of holidays. A really big part of me wishes to not go. I not only fear, I am almost certain that once I am there, I will remember exactly and in detail why I love her so much. And I am not too happy about loving a single human more than others. She doesn't seem to mind; but she is in her mid twenties now, and will have to seek out the love of someone her own generation. That's going to be a much tougher thing than being loved by someone with no demands. I wish we could just drift apart and go our separate ways. It is not like she loves me, it is just I who love her.

I could just not go. I could just go back to bed or something. It's not like I would miss the stress and the shopping and too much food. I have no love of the Christmas celebration. It is a worldly thing, despite pious attempts by some to make it a Jesus incident. Well, you could certainly make a brand of soda called Jesus soda and piously hope that people would think of Jesus when buying it. But soda is not a Jesus thing in the first place. (Good wine, now ... but let's not go there.) Midwinter feasts are not a Jesus thing either, and to me it is a purely secular holiday. I have no need or even wish to celebrate it. I do this just out of my love for the most remarkable human I have met.

How could I not be drawn to her? Her eyes are as pretty as Noire's, she is as smart as Tsaiko, as energetic as Delphina, as funny as Chaos, as shapely as Cneko, as innocent as ... uhm, Lighthawk, perhaps. ^_^* Anyway, she is the pinnacle of creation, as far as I am concerned.

"She is sleeping now, softly in the night.
And in my heart of darkness she has been the only light.
I am lost in love, looking at her face;
and still I hear the voice of reason,
telling me to chase these dreams away.
Oh here we go again, we're divided from the start,
For we cannot live together, and we cannot live apart,
It's the classical dilemma between the head and the heart."

(Chris de Burgh, "The Head and the Heart".)

Actually, we can live apart, we do it all the time. But somehow we can't keep doing it long enough for me to forget. I guess I can only hope she'll find her own man soon. He is bound to be much more suspicious of my motives than she is. Or even than I am.
  • Current Music
    Chris de Burgh: The Head and the Heart.